hot mess humanist

I am so picky when it comes to guys and I hate it! I want to be happy but I find something wrong with every guy that tries to talk to me. It’s a curse. For me, the perfect man includes:

-a disgusting sense of humor
-some brains
-no religious fanatics
-liberal
-a sense of style
-good looking (shallow but true)

Is this so hard to ask? Sheesh.

As these past few weeks have turned to complete shit for me, I’ve been pondering on life. I did a few experiments. All data points to the shocking conclusion that life sucks. Nobel Prize, anyone? Life sucks not just for me but for a lot of other people too. So why you ask does life enjoy ass fucking all of us, daily? I’ll tell you why. Life sucks because unless you just inherited 50 million dollars you have to work your life away. If you don’t fall into this category, your life sucks. If you say it doesn’t, wait 5 fucking minutes. From the minute you’re born, life gets harder everyday. You start school, school gets harder, you worry about the opposite sex, you worry about the size of your boobs, school gets harder, you worry about your parents fighting, school gets harder, you worry about your parents divorce, you start worrying about money, by the way this whole time you worry about what to wear each day, you start junior high (shit in and of itself), you worry about the opposite sex some more, you start high school, you now get a job that sucks and pays horribly, you wreck you car, you break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, again, again, you graduate, college is hard, you change your major 6 times, you graduate in 9 years, you are in tens of thousands of dollars of debt if not more, it takes you 3 years to find a job, you don’t even like the job, you get fired anyway, you end up working at the same job you had in high school, and guess what? you still hate it, you’re wife is ugly and your kids are sick, you don’t have enough money to buy fucking toilet paper, you get cancer, your house burns down, you kill yourself, the end. GET IT? So my question is, why in the fuck do people believe in God? Without even laying down the many scientific and logical arguments against religion, the single fact that people all over the world are not happy is proof enough for me and I don’t even have it that bad. If this amazing person that lives in the sky is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-good why can’t he at least make people happy? This doesn’t even cover the fact that there are children starving to death all over the world, babies dying of horrible diseases, families dying in car wrecks, everyone getting cancer, old age, alzheimer’s, SIDS, malaria, war, suicide, molestation, rape, infertility, murder, house fires, abuse, bullying, obesity, anything horrible you can think of, your “all-knowing, all-good, all-powerful” God created. You may pray and thank him for it. Do not try telling me that these things are meant to be a lesson to make people stronger or better. Fuck you if you think that. What is the lesson when it kills someone? Please enlighten me. Is it to teach someone else a lesson? Kill someone to teach someone else a lesson? Real cute, God. That sounds like someone I’d like to worship! They’re in a better place? Oh, you mean under the ground? Okay. God had bigger and better plans for them in heaven? 1. God has apparently already accumulated billions of people, what huge fucking job can he not take care of with his slaves and almighty powers. 2. Why did he suddenly need 3,000 Americans on September 11, 2001? Was it really that big of an emergency? Did he need someone to scratch his back and couldn’t decide who so he just chose 3,000 mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, friends, husbands, and wives? What job did he need hundreds of Haitians for all at once when he decided to send an earthquake? Trick question. There is no God. If you wish to worship someone who murders people daily, be my guest. If there even was a God, I wouldn’t worship him. I think he’s a big fucking asshole and I wish I could spit in his face for the disgusting and miserable world he created and placed us all in. So go ahead and say Atheists and Antitheists are hooligans with no morals, but let it be known that it’s the religious people whom condone the immoral behavior of their God and then praise him for his love and kindness. Peace & Blessin’s. Peace & Blessin’s.

What do I wish? I wish I never had to work or go to school ever again. That would be the ideal life. Travel the world. Get stoned everyday and watch Tosh.0 while eating burritos. Why can’t life be that simple? I honestly would rather live from place to place than live in a huge house. That’s real. I would rather hitchhike and find myself lost in my dreams than drive anywhere in a BMW. Life used to be so simple. You didn’t have to go to college. You did what made you happy. Right now, for me, that’d be packing up my things in the morning without saying a word to anyone and flying to Europe or Asia and living off of nothing for months. Finding out who I actually am. Because at this point I still have no fucking clue. I used to think it was silly when people said they didn’t know who they were because I was always so sure of how my life would play out. Now I’m staring at the ceiling thinking about it everyday. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? NO GODDAMN CLUE. I just want to put life on hold while I figure it out but that will never happen. It isn’t realistic for me to drop out and travel. And I don’t know why.

I’m not only an atheist, I’m an antitheist. I don’t believe any deity exists and I openly oppose religion because I think It’s more harmful than helpful. People think atheists are bad people because we don’t have a holy book to base our morals off of. But tell me this.. Did you ever want to kill your friends before you heard from someone that you shouldn’t? Didn’t think so. You know that it’s wrong to kill people without having to be told. If you enjoy killing people you have a serious mental disorder and this then doesn’t apply to you. But we don’t need a bible to tell us that stealing and hurting others is bad. But I’ll tell you this. Atheists don’t have any books that tell us to hate gays, stone adulterers, sell our daughters as slaves, kill women who aren’t virgins when they’re married, or sacrifice our children to name a FEW. This is why I openly oppose religion and believe it is not only ridiculous, but also harmful. More people have died from religious causes and wars than I would like to know about. It sick. And not just the obvious things like terrorism and war but also suicide. The only reason that people are opposed to homosexuality is because it is forbidden in the bible. Do you have any idea how many young people have committed suicide for being bullied for their sexuality? That makes me want to throw up. Religion is such a childish idea in my mind. I don’t need someone to tell me how to live and be a good person. Just love people. It’s so simple. Love is all you need.

I just realized the other day that one of my favorite books from my childhood was about Evolution. It’s funny how you don’t notice the little things that have the biggest impact on you. I remember being in elementary school and trying to tell people about my book that said dogs turned into whales, or maybe it was whales into dogs? It even showed a picture of a whale’s skeleton so that you could see that inside their fins their bones had individual fingers. No one EVER believed me but I was so sure that it was true. I even remember exactly what it looked like. It was a very flat blue book with a green spine. How amazing that something so minuscule could have changed my whole outlook on life. Makes you think how many other things happened that make you who you are today.

This last year has been rough for friendships. I’ve made a lot of new friends in college but also lost a lot a friendships I thought were solid. I’m wondering if people view friendship the same way I do or if it’s me that’s the problem. To me friendship is always being honest no matter what. I’m not just talking about if they have lipstick on their teeth, I’m talking about your opinions on real situations. If they’re being a total cunt, tell them. If you can’t be honest with each other, you’re not friends. Friendship is waking up at 3 am to console your histerical other half on the phone & then showing up at their house unannounced to stay the night. Friendship is laughing when your friend tells you how embarrassingly drunk they were in front of a guy they like. Friendship is giving advice on guys & then tee-peeing their house when it didn’t turn out. Friendship is staying ul late to talk and watch old movies with your best friend when she finds out she’s pregnant. Friendship is going to pick her up when she calls you for help no matter how much gas you don’t gave. Friendship is staying in with her on Friday & Saturday nights when she’s 8 months pregnant to do crafts and watch Netflix. Friendship is when you don’t keep track of how many large fries & fast breaks you’ve paid for and instead being happy to see them happy. Friendship is compromise. Friendship is doing things you wouldn’t do alone. Friendship is lifting your friend out of a pond & laughing even though she just lost your sunglasses. So what it is about me that makes me so unlikable. I could name a few things, but I know a few more that should make you want to stick around too.

I just remembered that junior year when Sam & Kiowa quit hanging out with me and I was really depressed, I thought about death so much that I actually wrote goodbye letters to everyone in my family. I just burned them this summer. I never want to feel that awful about life ever again.